So. Mr. "Gweerin. "
Guerin.
This says you've been an emancipated minor for the last two years.
Yeah.
A lot of responsibility for someone your age. You like responsibility?
Yeah. Sure. I like to stay on top of things.
I only got four notices! How can you cut off my power?
I'm a big believer in self-discipline.
I'll take it.
Aren't you worried that a second job might interfere with your studies?
I think I can handle it.
Okay, let's cut to the chase, Gweerin. You already have a job flipping burgers.
Why do you want a second job?
Well, there are many reasons.
But I think the primary one is....
Please don't tell me that you're gonna ask me to pick up the check again...
...because if so, I swear to God, MichaeI....
- FinanciaI. I see.
And, I guess I sort of want to see what it's like out there in the world.
Congratulations.
You are now Meta-Chem PharmaceuticaI's newest security guard.
- When do I start? - Orientation is tomorrow night.
I'm not gonna be done at the Crashdown untiI 10.
- Is that too late? - We don't need you till 0200.
02.... That's 2 a. m.
That's right. Two to 7 every night.
You're working the graveyard. I'll see you then.
MichaeI, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper
Dear Max, it's so horrible and so unjust to pass you in school...
...and have to wonder whether some teacher's gonna call my father.
But no matter how hard my parents try, nothing can keep us apart.
I love you. And even when I can't see you in the day...
...I see you at night in my dreams.
And I have been...
...dreaming about you.
Over and over, it's you and me holding hands and flying through the night.
I know it sounds cornball, but it isn't. It's amazing.
Like Superman and Lois Lane in the first movie.
You know, the good one.
- He wasn't coming in. - Let's get back to work.
He wasn't coming in here. He wasn't breaking the rules.
We'll talk about it after your shift, okay?
This is so ridiculous. You can't keep us from seeing each other.
- Oh, table 11 's waiting. - Oh, look at that.
Kyle?
- Hey, son, how was work? It sucked as usuaI.
Toby has me rehabbing brake pads again.
"Your credit rating may be adversely affected by this action. "
Well, it's nice of them to let us know.
So how's the job search going?
You got any prospects for a full-time well-paying job in your future?
Well, actually, something did sort of come up.
- You got a job? - Well, it's not exactly a job.
It's sort of a.... How do I describe this?
It's a business. Kind of a small business.
This I like.
I like this.
Small business? That sounds profitable.
Okay, hit me.
Pitch me. Make me proud.
I think I should pursue this a little bit further.
- I'll tell you about it in a few days. - Okay.
I can handle that.
I think.
MichaeI, please. Come out. You've been in there an hour.
Go home. I will see you tomorrow.
- No, I want to see it. Maria.
Hey, Max. - Oh, sorry. Bad time?
Is this some deranged sex thing?
- I got a job. - Security guard?
Gotta start somewhere.
What are you doing here?
- Nothing, I just- - Maxwell, it's the middle of the night.
What's going on?
Well, you heard about my dad and I. That I moved out.
Yeah, you left the loving parents, the cushy home, college fund.
- Smart move. - Yeah, I just....
Look, I need a place to crash for a couple days.
UntiI I figure something else out.
So how does the Chevelle figure into this?
- My car? - Do I get driving privileges?
- Yes, MichaeI. - The couch is yours.
Mr. Ramirez, fancy meeting you here.
IsabeI Evans, isn't it?
Aren't you out late for a schooI night?
I'm in college now.
Sometimes I'm out all night.
I cannot believe we're meeting in a convenience store.
My parents never shop here.
Why don't you just tell them about us?
Eventually the smell of microwave burritos is going to kill the mood.
We will. We will tell them.
We just have to ease them into it over a decade or two.
IsabeI, you're 18.
You're an adult.
My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high schooI guys.
You're a 26-year-old lawyer who works for my father, who's....
Who's Latino?
You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan.
Ha-ha.
- Jesse, that is totally not it. So, what is it?
This is just the worst time.
My parents are all freaked out about Max moving out...
...and I just think we need more time before anybody knows.
- Okay? - Okay.
Whoops.
Kyle.
- Hi. Hi.
My dad neglected to stock the fridge, and so I needed....
Ho Hos, of course.
Ho Ho.
Bye.
- What are you doing, man? - Watching a replay of tonight's game.
Hey, chico, you can't do that. Can he do that? Can I do that?
Aren't you supposed to be checking the motion-sensor logs for the anomalies?
Done. But here, I'll check again.
Checked and rechecked.
- Can I get that on my screen too? Hold on.
MichaeI, turn the game off, man. That's not cooI.
Steve, here's the thing:
This job sucks. It's the most boring thing I've ever done in my life.
I don't know about you guys...
...but I'm gonna do what I can to improve the work conditions.
That means this.
The company has a very strict dress code.
Yeah, but who's gonna enforce it?
Suddenly, I feeI very bad.
Now, I know you wanna take that off.
Come on.
Somehow, I know I'm gonna regret this.
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Boys, I come bearing gifts.
Oh, sweet.
All right, man. No, no, no.
I'm taking your paycheck, your paycheck and your paycheck.
No!
- Nice. Yeah.
- What else do we got going? - What you got going there, bud?
All right, here you go, here you go. That's funny.
Door 52, secure, sir.
You've certainly made the guys a happier crew.
- Fly was actually on time tonight. - Just want to make things interesting.
Door 53 secure. The job still sucks.
Look, MichaeI, I just don't want this to get out of controI.
Some of us need this job.
You take this job way too seriously. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, Maria sounds like a good girI.
You're all set. You've got a girI, got a job.
I just need power back in my apartment, and I'm living the American dream.
- So are you going to marry her? - Maria?
I don't know about marriage, chico. That's down the line.
Yeah.
- Hey, Mike? - Yeah?
I don't think you should say "chico. " You really don't pull it off.
Right. Yeah.
Red alert!
Is this straight?
Good evening, sir. Can I be of some assistance?
It's come to my attention that there's been a serious breach here at Meta-Chem.
- What kind of breach? Theft.
Someone broke into the company cafeteria...
...and made off with a substantiaI amount of peach Snapple.
SeveraI cases in fact. The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job.
What do you think we should do about this, Mr. Gweerin?
I think we should get right on it, sir.
Where should we start?
I think that the first thing you should all do is clean out your lockers.
You're all fired.
So somebody steals one lousy case of Snapple and what do they do?
They blame the little guy.
The people at the bottom of the ladder...
...the people actually working for a living.
- You worked? - We screwed around a lot.
But let me tell you something. Nobody got in or out...
...without us knowing about it. We had that place wired tight.
Meta-Chem is lucky to have people like us on duty.
So technically I stole it, but they didn't know that.
KarI fired us because he only thought that one of us took it.
- But you did take it. - That's not the point.
- Tell me the point again. - Corporate America sucks.
So I'm assuming I'm gonna keep paying for dinner...
...and supplying the kerosene to light the apartment.
I'll get another job.
What did the other guys say about this?
- What other guys? - Your coworkers.
- Skunk and Flea. - Monk and Fly.
Whatever. Did they at least stick up for you?
- No, they were fired too. - What?
- We all got fired. - You got the whole department fired?
Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired.
- We all drank of the Snapple. - Wait, "Drank of the Snapple"?
- When did we get on biblicaI terrain? - I won't take all the blame for this.
But it's your fault. You acted irresponsibly and now everyone's unemployed.
I've gotta get some fresh air.
Steve.
Hey.
Sorry about what happened. I didn't know KarI would blow a gasket.
It's over, so....
- You applying for the clerk job? - Apparently.
Isn't it half as much as we were making at Meta-Chem?
- Gotta feed the wife and kids. - Yeah, really.
That's an expression, right? "Feed the wife and kids. "
Didn't you see the picture on my desk? CheryI? The kids?
I guess. But I thought she was your girlfriend.
And I thought the kids were your brother and sister, or your nephew.
I've gotta get over to Burger Hut. There's a job working the drive-thru.
See you, Mike.
Hey, Steve.
I'm sorry, man.
That doesn't help me, Mike.
Orbit rings.
Galaxy sub.
Asteroid salad.
Oh, Worf wrap.
Is everything good here for you guys?
Good. That's great. I'll just be right back with your drinks.
Hi.
God, I miss you.
This is so insane. My dad's right outside.
I know. I saw him.
I miss you so much.
Listen, Friday. Midnight. I want you to meet me.
- Dress warm. - Why?
You'll see.
- You have to go. - Yeah.
Liz? - Come on.
- Midnight Friday. Okay.
- Liz? - Yeah?
Where'd you go?
Nowhere. I was just taking out the trash.
That must be mine.
Hey.
Hello.
You're probably wondering what you saw in the convenience store the other day.
- A stone unobserved is a stone- - Is this Buddhist?
- Yes. - Could you not?
- Okay. - Thank you.
His name is Jesse Ramirez.
He's my boyfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I seen him leaving your father's office?
Yeah, he works for my father.
As an assistant?
As a lawyer.
So he's, like, 22, 23?
- Twenty-six. - Twenty-six?
That's a problem.
Well, just out of curiosity...
...have you told Jesse about your secret identity?
No. No.
Max and MichaeI would never agree to letting anybody else in on the secret.
And I guess the truth of the matter is, I sort of love Jesse not knowing.
It's like we're this normaI couple.
- Nothing's ever easy, is it? - Nope.
I'm actually glad that you found out. It's kind of nice to talk about it.
No problem.
And, Kyle...
...if you tell anybody, I'll be forced...
...to use my formidable alien powers on you.
CooI. CooI.
My day is never truly complete untiI my life's been threatened by an alien.
No problem. Okay, bye.
Wait, wait.
Good for you.
I mean, Max has Liz, and MichaeI has Maria. And you never really had that...
...so good for you.
Thanks, Kyle.
So you're gonna return the Snapple?
Yeah.
And you think that's gonna get you your job back?
You got a better idea?
Why not just get more hours at the Crashdown?
Because that's not what it's about, Max. It's about the principle of it.
You stole the Snapple, MichaeI.
How could it be about principle?
Because it's not fair to ruin one person's life over a few bottles of Snapple.
And this is ruining your life?
Not mine. This guy at work, Steve.
He's a killjoy, and he got fired with the rest of us.
Turns out he's got a wife and kids.
- Nice. - Which isn't my fault.
Why should I worry about it?
If he takes it upon himself to marry someone and then knock her up...
...before he's got a decent job, how is that my problem?
- It isn't. - So why do I feeI like this?
Like what?
- I don't know. - Like you care?
Yeah.
It's weird. See, there's you and IsabeI.
And you guys are like family. And then there's Maria...
...and she's....
She's Maria.
And besides that, I've never had this feeling.
But these guys- It's cooI. We can hang, and we talk...
...and we laugh, and it's like they're....
Friends.
Something like that.
Yeah. Anyways, I gotta go.
Wait, wait. You're gonna return them now?
Yeah. I'm gonna break in and put the Snapple back.
- Behind the fridge. - And then what?
Then I'm gonna call them, and I'm gonna tip them off anonymously.
And when they realize that nobody stole the Snapple...
...they have no choice but to give our jobs back.
MichaeI, what you're about to do is not a plan. It's not an idea.
It's something you think about in your mind...
...and then you come up with something better.
Yeah, I don't have anything better.
KarI's a thief.
Where were you?
I was out.
- Just out. - Have you been drinking?
No. Well, a couple of beers.
That's terrific, Dad. It's part of your new business plan?
Actually, it is.
Listen...
...I want you to keep an open mind about this.
Now, I know it's not exactly what you maybe had in mind, okay?
But I'm telling you, this is something that I really believe in.
Our first performance is tomorrow night.
It'd be great if you were there.
"The country stylings of Jim Valenti and the Kit-Shickers. "
- How much does this pay? - Oh, not very much at first. But....
See, we get a percent of the door. But it'll take a while to build an audience.
Right, right. Build up an audience.
What are you thinking?
This is your big business plan?!
This is it?!
I've been working my ass off every day at a job I hate...
...and this is your big idea? We're behind on the mortgage.
But I'm sure the mortgage company will realize...
...you just gotta build up an audience. Have you even looked at those bills?!
- Kyle, I'm sorry if- - Dad, don't apologize.
That's not even what I want.
I know that when you lost your job as sheriff...
...that it really screwed with your head.
And I have a lot of sympathy for that, I do, but....
I'm not- I'm not the parent here.
And I can't keep our heads above water much longer.
So all I'm saying is that....
You know what I'm saying.
Good night, Dad.
How's he getting away with it? Every inch of the place is being taped 24-7.
Think, little man. KarI's got the master security card.
He can turn the cameras on and off when he feels like it.
- What was he stealing? - I didn't get a good look.
But they do all kinds of genetic research in that lab.
I bet it was the cancer vaccine.
All the big corporations have one, just sitting on the shelf.
They don't put it out because there's too much money in cancer treatment.
Same thing with AIDS, tuberculosis, Legionnaire's disease, measles....
- Monk, are you wasted, man? - No.
Maybe. Leave me alone.
You don't know what it's like working at Burger Hut.
Fries, extra ketchup, no ketchup. I need an escape.
Look, it doesn't matter what's in the viaI.
What matters is Meta-Chem's head of security is stealing from them.
We expose him, show the company that the man who fired us...
...is the actuaI thief and we've got a chance of getting our jobs back.
- How do we get the goods on KarI? - Catch him in the act.
- Break in? - That sounds too risky for a black man.
- What does Steve say? - He didn't return my phone calls.
- You can count me out. - I'm with Monk.
- Me too, chico. - Do you guys know why we were fired?
- Because you took the Snapple, dude. No.
Who fires an entire shift over Snapple?
Nobody.
KarI needed to fire an entire security shift so he could steaI whatever...
...he's stealing from the company. We were easy targets.
That's why we were fired.
KarI made us out to look like incompetent fools.
And that's what the world will think of us if we don't do something.
Used to be I didn't care about that. Turns out I do.
So yeah, we stole the Snapple, but you know what, we did our jobs well.
And that's why I say we have no choice here but to screw KarI.
All right. I'm with you. Let's screw KarI.
- I'm there. - Screw KarI, man.
So, what's the plan?
Ever since he fired us, Karl's been working the nights all alone.
The longer he delays hiring a new crew, the more freedom he has.
But the truth is, one man can't watch everything.
Now the trick will be to make him think that nothing has changed.
When in reality, everything has changed.
He's not alone tonight.
Tonight he's got the entire graveyard shift to deal with.
Got you, chump.
Problem, dude. Well, hurry up and fix it, man.
- Hello? This is Sheriff Hanson.
We received a signal that the security system had been tampered with.
Nope. Everything's okay here.
What's the password today?
Password?
Hey, KarI.
Gweerin. What the hell are you doing?
It's Guerin. I just thought I'd drop in.
You know, I wonder if the police are gonna think you're so funny.
Go ahead and call them. I have a nice videotape to show them.
- What are you talking about? - I got you breaking into the lab...
...stealing a sample, and passing it off to the janitors.
Well, that's too bad.
If you said that it was gonna be your word against mine...
...I could've thrown the cuffs on you and called the cops.
I guess it's not gonna be that simple.
Where is that videotape?
- Think about what you're doing. I know what I'm doing.
I'm confronting an intruder in the middle of the night...
...and believing the intruder to be armed...
...I drew my weapon and I was forced to shoot him.
- I'm not alone, you know. I got help. - I think you are here alone.
You're gonna tell me where that videotape is right now!
Okay, okay.
I'll tell you.
Okay, the tape....
The tape...
...is in....
What I want you to do right now is put the gun down, nice and slow.
Good.
Now, we're all gonna take a trip down to the station.
Before we do that, there's a videotape you should see.
Well, boys, if this is all you got, it ain't much.
Let me take a look at that.
These clowns are disgruntled former employees who broke in...
...and stole company property.
- You know what, I think I got it. - Hey, how did you do that?
I used to work in a video store.
I won't say anything without an attorney.
Don't worry, KarI. We'II let management know what happened.
I'll need statements from you guys. But we can't leave this plant...
- ...unguarded all night. - No problem.
- We'll finish our shift first. - Fine. See you in the morning.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
So, what is this?
- No. Max. No. Trust me.
Don't you want someone who can make all your dreams come true?
Yeah, I guess I do.
Then come on, Lois, let's go.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Jim Valenti and we are the Kit-Shickers.
- Are you 21? - Does it matter in here?
All that matters is paying rent on that barstooI.
Just give me a Coke.
I may need that beer after all.
One. Two. One. One. Two. One.
That was just amazing. That was so amazing.
You did say that, like, a dozen times.
But did I say this?
Or that?
Or, you know....
I'm sure I didn't say this.
Well, you do have a way with words.
I'd invite you to come upstairs, but....
- But if your dad caught us.... - Yeah.
Good night.
Did you have fun?
Where you been?
I'm asking you man to man where you took my daughter...
...in the middle of the night.
We went to the desert.
We didn't do anything wrong.
It was wrong for you to see her at all.
You know that.
I'm sorry.
I love her.
I don't give a damn about your love.
Because of you, my daughter was arrested for armed robbery.
She could've been killed! Did you ever think about that?
Tell me you're not dangerous, Max.
Tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girI's life in jeopardy.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
So now this is gonna stop. It's gonna stop right now.
And you are never to see Liz again.
And if you do...
...if I find out that you've so much as sat next to her in class...
...she'll be on the next plane to Vermont.
Vermont?
The Winnaman Academy. It's an all-girls boarding schooI.
Her mother and I filled out the paperwork...
...and the application was accepted.
So all I've gotta do is write a check and put Liz on the next plane.
You would do that?
- You would do that just to-? - Just to keep her away from you. Yes.
And I will.
Goodbye, Max.
- Got your job back. - What?
Yeah, we broke into Meta-Chem, and we nailed KarI for stealing stuff.
- He's in jaiI. Wait, slow down.
- You broke in? - Yeah, I found out he was a crook...
...and we nailed him for it. Not just me.
- George, Monk, Fly. - You could have gotten arrested.
Why did you do that?
I don't know. I figured it's my first reaI job.
I'm starting my life...
...and, you know, I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot.
I'm not sure whether to thank you or tell you you're an idiot...
...for doing something so risky.
Say, "Thank you. "
Thank you, MichaeI.
This means a lot to me.
And, you know...
...to my family.
No problem.
Hey, listen...
...maybe we could hang sometime. You know, after work.
Sure.
You're a crazy bastard, you know that?
Welcome to my world.
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